And the deer ate my hostas

Washington. D.C. also known around here as Babylon on the Potomac, or for you Lord of the Rings fans maybe Mordor works better, is a complete mess.  Maybe a hobbit will happen by and push the whole shebang into an inferno.  Or maybe that old wizard with his pointy hat can do the job.

We hear lots of work across the aisle jabber and we have a party purportedly in control that can’t even work with the person across the table.  Democrats and Republicans are our problem.  The unquenchable thirst for power and control and television camera time is the problem.  One party trying to ensure failure of the other is the problem.  Democrats are lock-step obstructionists chasing Russian boogie men while the Republicans couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.  If you search for the gang that can’t shoot straight odds are you’ll find a picture of the Republican congress.  Senate work is incredibly tough work they tell us.  One hundred supposedly educated men and women sent to Washington to serve the people cannot sit down like adults and fix a problem they created by sticking their big fat federal government noses into healthcare where it did not belong in the first place.  I am beginning to believe that Congress should recess.  And stay recessed.  The Russians didn’t have to hack our government to screw it up.  The knot heads led by McConnell, Schumer, Ryan, and Pelosi are doing that just fine all by themselves.  Put us in control (pick your party) and we will fix it they said.  Bet that made your coffee shoot out of your nose.  There are a couple of things that may fix Mordor, a giant enema or pulling the swamp plug for example.  Go home Congress, stay home.  You won’t get anything done, but you sure as heck can’t break it any worse than you already have.

It frustrates me to no end to see such a disastrous operation and on top of that I walked out into the yard to discover that the deer ate the hostas.  Yep, all of them right down to the ground.  They bypassed the planet’s most pungent deer repellant.  The stuff stinks to high heaven and would probably gag a litter of polecats.  Road kill eating crows would avoid choice pavement pizza if this stuff was sprayed on it.  So I spent time researching deer resistant plants to fill up the shaded areas around the yard.  My hillbilly commonsense tells me unless it’s rocks, there is no such thing.  If hungry enough, deer will eat any vegetation.  I believe the herd that fertilizes my yard and rubs the bark from the trees must wander through a pot farm before they get here. They arrive with a big league case of the munchies.  Then nothing is safe.  I think even the feral cats hide from them.  So maybe I’ll have a rock garden with only rocks in it, a desert southwest landscape in the middle of green wild and wonderful instead of vegetation.  Rocks don’t need watering or fertilizer.  Either that or a tall chain link fence which always improves the landscape especially if topped with a roll of concertina.

Since Congress seems hell bent on controlling every aspect of life or fouling it up beyond repair (FUBAR), maybe I could ask them to solve my deer problem.  We could have some hearings, environmental impact studies, and more hearings to determine whether the deer are actually Russian drones and probably some more hearings to determine if these are Republican or Democrat deer, a select committee to investigate and certainly at the end of all of that a Special Counsel to determine who lied about it.  Several years down the road, I’ll be summoned to appear before a grand jury and at this point no one will even know what the original issue was.  Congress would pass legislation to declare my yard and those similar a national park and wildlife reserve and confiscate the property at fair market value of course, and require me to move into an apartment in town where there is no grass or flowers or deer.  They’ll replace my pick-up truck with a scooter and raise my taxes to pay for the necessary growth of federal wild life management necessary to care for the new game reserves.

Anyone seen Bilbo?

© 2017 J. D. Pendry

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